A Series of Unfortunate Missions
by Justina C. Nathans
Summary: Gilbert Nightray does not get good missions. Ever. And sometimes, they all string together into a series of unfortunate ones.


**Title:** A Series of Unfortunate Missions, Part One: Naked Sushi  
**Series:** Pandora Hearts  
**Author**: me  
**Rating:** PG  
**Word Count:** 1,627  
**Pairing:** None  
**Warnings:** Crack, naked/tormented Gil  
**Summary:** Gilbert Nightray does not get good missions. Ever. And sometimes, they all string together into a series of unfortunate ones. In this part: what happens when meat-loving Chains are invited to parties to lure out meat-loving Chains. (Written for the Pandora Hearts kink meme.)

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Gilbert wanted to believe in luck. Really, he did. It was a useful belief, all things considered, since it was known to be the cause of getting out of bad situations and making it out of most anything alive.

However, he found it hard to believe in luck when things like _this_ always insisted on happening to him.

"N-no," he said, looking in horror from the perfectly laid-out dining table to the large green... leaves? Were those _leaves _Oz was holding? "I don't care what kind of Chain this is supposed to lure out, I'm not doing it."

Oz tilted his head to one side, a grin on his lips too mischievous and definitely a little _too_ evil for the current situation. "But Gil, we'll all be there with you!"

"H-how is that supposed to make me feel any better!" A cat attack would have been better than the idea of this kind of humiliation and why wasn't anyone else agreeing with him that this was absolutely ridiculous--

No.

It was already starting. Oz was making _that face, _the one that really could have lured the Chain out on its own if he really wanted to. That's a better plan; he wasn't sure why the weren't planning on just using Oz to-- Again with that _face_. "It won't be that bad!"

Won't be that bad.

No, the idea of a parlor full of people eating meat off of his naked body suddenly sounded about as pleasant as being strapped down and having kittens placed all over his catnip-covered body. He could feel the color draining from his face. All those tiny, whiskered, demon spawn faces--

Then, a muffled laugh from the corner of the room.

"This is all your fault!"

Break, who had decided that waiting in the corner of the room would be much more advantageous (and frankly, provide a much better view once the meal was served), unwrapped a small piece of hard candy and popped it into his mouth like he hadn't heard him at all. "Ah, I guess I should go see how the rest of the plan is going~!" He was making his way towards the dining table where everything had been perfectly laid out, leaves, flowers, utensils, lifting up the tablecloth, (and Gilbert could only flash to the thought of Break _reappearing_ in much the same way, to his horror, especially considering that he might be naked on that table in a few ho--HELL NO!), and with a hand wave, he was gone.

Oz held out his hands, offering the large green leaves with a grin that looked right at home on his face.

It was going to be a _long _night.

-=-

Everything was going according to plan: have a lavish party, purchase and loudly announce the quality and rarity of meats that they were to serve, then sit back and wait.

Well, Gilbert supposed that would have been the plan for him had he not been lying on the table playing serving dish instead.

As it was, there were guests abound, mingling, drinking wine, stopping to take meat from his body (and he blushed every time a noblewoman stopped at his side, her hand over her mouth, a sweet smile on her lips before she reached out to take a cut of meat; the last one had come dangerously close to taking one of the few, very thin, not really covering much of anything modesty leaves with her in her haste); everything was going according to plan. Oz was in the corner of the room, watching and waiting, along with Break (who was actually managing to behave, much to Gilbert's surprise), but as of yet, and he struggled to lift his head without disrupting the elaborate centerpiece that they had framed his face with, he hadn't seen--

The parlour door flew open.

The guests grew silent.

Gilbert cocked his head as far towards the sound as he could. The Chain? His gun was nearby; he only had to move his hand, reach under the table...

"Gil!" He glanced sideways; it was Oz whispering loudly from across the room. "Don't worry! It's just Alice!"

Well, just _great_. Of course, wrong Chain. Now he _really _needed his gun.

If he had been able to see anything, Gilbert would have seen Alice frozen in the doorway, her hands on her hips and her nose raised to the air as if she was planning on floating towards the smell. She stepped inside the parlor, shooting the rest of the stunned guests (who were now staring at her with concern) a dirty look as she slammed the door behind herself and made her way towards the center of the room.

He could hear her footsteps coming closer and his life was flashing in front of his eyes--just his luck to be caught immobile without his gun when there was more than one meat-loving Chain around and _of course_, the first one would be the most dangerous one that he couldn't kill--

"Well, what do you know?" Alice was standing just off to his left, barely in his line of sight, and she looked at him up and down and laughed loudly; Gilbert wished wished _wished _that he had his gun, why didn't they let him keep it closer... "They've finally found a use for you!"

He tried to ignore her, continued starting at the ceiling as some of the braver guests (who weren't afraid of Alice, apparently, though they_ should _have been) pulled pieces of meat off of his clavicle, his thigh... Alice wasn't moving. From what he could make out with what limited movement he had, she seemed to be--

"What are you _staring_ at?"

She looked down at him, a devious gleam in her eyes (and he had seem the same look in the eyes of demon cats before), and reached for a plate by his right knee.

"Oi--" Shooing her away wasn't helping (especially when he couldn't move, just wonderful) and she was circling him like a vulture, that manic expression of delight on her face. She was probably fascinated with all of the meat. "Stupid rabbit, get out of here."

"Why?" She reached out and plucked a piece of meat from the middle of his chest, another from his shoulder blade, and eyed him like he was the next selection at the meat market. Which he _was, _technically, but... "There's meat here."

"And a Chain lurking around, which is more important rig--" Hold on, why was she reaching that way, wait _wait_! "W-wait, what are you--?"

Alice froze with her hand in the air, centimeters from a piece of cooked pork on a leaf placed perfectly over his crotch. The expression on her face alone could have killed, especially if he didn't just let her grab this piece-- "Getting meat."

"N-not from there, you're not!" He tried in vain to look down at himself, to find another piece of pork, but the only thing he could see was greenery and a few strategically-placed roses. "Take a piece from somewhere else!"

"There isn't somewhere else! This is the last piece! And besides, all the good meat is down by your--"

Silence.

Gilbert contemplated jumping from the table and leaping from the nearest balcony to his death for a whole twenty seconds, which he knew was quite a bit tamer than what he was sure Alice was planning to do to him. If he was lucky (and again, what was luck?), maybe they'd engrave his headstone with _Here lies Gilbert Nightray, useless servant, terrified of cats, naked and covered in meat at death._

"Perverted seaweed head!" She was standing on the table and over him seconds later, her booted foot against his head, nudging at him, and he was sure that if he didn't have more meat on his body than he could ever afford in a lifetime, he would have jumped up and fought back. "You did that on purpose!"

"Oh, _right_, because I intentionally put all of your favorite meats down by my--"

"Ah ha! So you admit it!"

The entire room was watching them by this point, standing around the serving table in a circle with hands clenched to mouths and billowing murmurs through the air as they watched the two fight.

"Get off the table, you stupid rabbit," and he struggled to sit up, trying to see if any one of these guests was the Contractor and their Chain was going to appear out of nowhere, "or you're going to draw the Chain out before we're ready!"

Alice pressed the toe of her boot to Gilbert's forehead, pushing his head down against the table with a crack (and Gilbert was sure he saw something more than white leather floating across his vision), and she crossed her arms over her chest. "Just give me the meat and I can take on anything! Where's this stupid Chain at?"

Across the room, red-faced from wine, Oz surveyed the scene that was unfolding. "So, Break, there was no meat-loving Chain?"

"Other than Alice? Ohoho, no." He untwisted a piece of candy and popped it into his mouth. "I heard about this and thought it would be fun to try."

It was an ingenious plan and he found himself thoroughly impressed with the lengths Break was willing to go through to torment his useless servant. They would have to try it with cats next time... "Do we tell them?"

"No, no, no, you never do."

You never do. The words struck Oz as strange to say. "Why do I get the feeling," he started with a frown, "that this isn't the first time there wasn't a Chain?"

Break laughed secretively to himself and somewhere, Liam sneezed.


End file.
